My life back then wasn't objectively interesting, but it was interesting because I paid total attention to it.

Eventually I realized that I was happier when I paid attention

Attention, to me, means submitting totally to the present moment: no runaway trains of thought, no fixating on memories, no frenetically plotting the future. Surrendering to experience instead of trying to control it in your head.

I'm starting to accept that there's no way I can live in the world without occasionally feeling heartbroken, disappointed, jealous, and angry. If something unexpected happens that disrupts the flow of my day, I just let it happen to me. I try not to cling to the experience, bad or good.

I fight to stay in flow because when I'm paying attention I seem to always know what to do next.

ladies and gentlemen, Ava once again. i love this essay. it is so apt for this period of my life. it reminds me of that Simone Weil quote where she says:

attention taken to the highest degree is a form of prayer.

attention is all there to living a calm, happy life. i dare say that much. since i've been putting my phone on a focus mode which restricts me from using a lot of the apps for 12 hours everyday, my mental wellbeing has only just gotten better. when i don't do it, it's a disaster upstairs. attention is becoming that one thing that i cherish very much. as David Gasca said in one of his substack posts(forgive me if i don't get the entire thing):

happiness is the practice of concentration.

in our world as we know it today, attention is a scarce resource which turns out to be very valuable. we all need it. whether we like it or not. PAY ATTENTION!